I have a video blog for today but I keep getting an error message... geez!!! It will be up soon

My Journey Begins Today...

The most amazing thing is happening in my life right now... I've got to share it with the world.

This blog was created because I was heartbroken, I thought sharing my thoughts and experiences would help me heal, they didn't. All I've done since this blog began was pile hurt on top of hurt, heartache on heartache, disappointment on disappointment. I wrote what I felt but I never felt any better, lost and uncertain of the future for SBI I continued to write... writing was usually healing but it never helped. Every time I read my blog ALL I did was revisit issues that caused me to cry. I've been stuck on two guys for the past few years. My ex of four years (the reason why I started SBI) and a guy that I call The Boy. I love both of these guys to this day, but the feelings I have for them aren't nearly as strong as they were in the beginning; in fact that have changed to a slight tolerance of their antics. I don't like them because they don't respect Jennifer. I know I deserve to be treated better than what they gave me, yet I hung around tolerating the drama, the tears, the pain. My mistake. This past December The Boy hurt my feelings again, a usual occurrence but this time I decided that I didn't want to say a thing to him anymore because he was hurting me, he had chosen another girl over me and because I care so much for him (I attribute that to us having a sexual relationship) it hurt more than I want to admit. This act on his part led me to really reevaluate myself. I went silent.

I know I am jumping around guys but this back story is very important.

So IDK in March or so I left my family church and began searching for a new church home; the Lord led me to Great Commission Baptist Church. I am so happy there. I don't know many members, but everyone I have met is so kind, you'd never know that the church is as large as it is. Well my first visit to GCBC I noticed a young man and I thought to myself he is so cute, I wonder where it could go with him. We have had IDK maybe three very SHORT conversations because I have no clue what to say... I want to speak to him but I just walk away every time I think he may speak to me. I smile and wave but that's about it. Bear with me readers because I am definitely getting somewhere...:) So I go to work today and I have Praise & Worship at my desk like I do every other day but ever since I downloaded this App "BIBLEIS" and have been actively using it I feel filled with the Word and my P&W is much deeper than the day before... anyway I tell my cube mate about the man at church, I tell him how I think he'll be really cool to hang out and I have been crushing on him for months oh and how I've spoken to him IDK 4 TIMES LOL. She finds that hard to believe because I am far from shy(except when I like someone) So she encourages me to try and have more conversations with him and see where it could go, I tell her no. Naturally she asks me why. The reason for my no shocked her and I felt ashamed after I said it... but its the reason why I am writing right now.

I told her no because I think I may be a bad influence on him, he seems like a really good person and I am not a good girl... I mean I am a good girl just not as good as him. I said and I quote "I don't think I am good enough for him."

I am ashamed to write it, I can't believe I said it but that is truly how I felt in that moment. I don't know my own worth.

So I went back to work and Worship but with a this feeling heavy on my heart, I had already declared 2012 my year of healing and becoming a better Jennifer... I didn't know it would begin so soon and be so difficult to admit to myself that I have a deep insecurity problem. If you've read any of my post you would know that I titled the blog So Beautifully Insecure because I know I am beautiful but I dont feel beautiful, I know I am insecure yet I dont want to own up to it. I dont want to be insecure anymore. I want to love Jennifer.

One of my greatest strengths is my attention to detail; a strength and curse. I remember everything, I remember statements my parents have said over the years that still hurt to this day. I remember what boys in HS said to me, I remember what friends have said to me, I remember how people treat me, I have a hard time letting things go. I tuck the comments or incidents whatever they may be in the back of my mind... and heart. Those events have molded me into the insecure young woman I am today. I shouldn't have had some of those people in my life but on the other hand I should have been able to deal with the criticism in a progressive way. I didn't know how until today.  I am not a model Christian but I am a learning one. I know the Lord for myself, I have felt Him in my life and I know what he can do. I have seen it. He saved my families life, He saved my life, He truly makes a way when you feel there is no way. I know it. I have seen it. I thank Him for it. I am grateful. I am grateful for God's son Jesus loving us enough to die and rise for us. That makes me happy. That means that when I get to heaven God won't see my sin, He will see His Son's Blood. I am blessed. It also means that He love me just the way I am. God loves me more than I love myself. I keep listening to Imagine Me over and over again... I want to be that person. I want to trust God totally I want to be in love with my Savior. I don't want to insecure just in love with Christ. I want to let go of all of the pain. The more I imagine me that way over what "my mama said and healed from what my daddy did" the more I cry. Tears of Joy. God loves me and He'll heal me and bring me closer to Him, if I let go of the insecurities and fill myself with His love. Pastor Brown said it yesterday in Bible study he says (I am paraphrasing) If you're not special to anyone else just know that you're special to God. That is worth shouting about!!! I am in tears. He loves me, despite my faults and flaws. He loves my flaws. He loves Jennifer and He doesn't see my sins because Jesus stood in my place, all the wrong I did in God's eyes is gone. Thank you Jesus! Thank You for loving me, thank You for believing in me when I didn't have faith in myself.  I am on a new journey and I am excited. It's not going to be easy but I have faith that God will add and subtract the right people from my life... He's been subtracting lately and I feel better already.

Tonight I will get on my knees and pray. I cant remember that last time I did that...

It's after 1 AM Goodnight

Loneliness is an epidemic.

Way

We waste too much time chasing the same dream down the same Way... take two steps to the left and see if it leads you where you want to be?

True Story

Have you ever pitied the girl who stays faithful to "her man" behind bars? I have... and I still do. I just don't understand how you could love someone so much who didn't think about your relationship before he committed the crime. Why would you commit to someone so selfish? Why give your heart to someone you can never touch, you can't call, text or see? Why go and visit just to have a glass wall between you? OOOWWWEEEE why am I doing it to myself? TB isn't in jail or anything but I have committed my heart to someone I can't see, touch, hear regularly... that makes me look naive. It makes zero sense to love a man who's as free as a bird and won't visit. I mean he doesn't visit cause he doesn't care... True Story. I am growing impatient again. I deserve better... perhaps I should pity myself.

He doesn't care. Point Blank, period.

Toy Soldier

A few weeks ago I felt that I had reached a breaking point with a very special man in my life, I had endured so much of his crap that I couldn’t take it anymore. I know I deserve better, I know he could do better... but I knew that a man will only do what you allow. I had allowed him to disrespect me for too long and I was the problem. Not him. He was not going to change, he was not going to do right by me because he didn’t have to do so and because I allowed it. I knew that I had to walk away because trying, pleading, talking, hoping and praying for him to love me was pointless. So I told myself I was done... I didn’t say it to him because that would make it “official” and a small part of me still believed he cared for me. So I just became distant and snappy whenever he decided he would speak; he knew that I had reached a breaking point so he promised to take me out and “play by my rules.” I skeptically accepted his offer... maybe this was is maybe he really did care. He shouted out during a phone conversation “I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE!!” I still hear him saying it, maybe cause I want to believe it was genuine. Anyway we went on this very simple date that I planned. I am a simple woman and I just wanted to make sure the hours I spent with him gave him an idea of what I enjoyed doing, you know a glimpse into what makes this young lady smile. I think the date went very well. I planned for him to stay the night because I knew the next morning would be his birthday so before we went to bed I gave him a small birthday gift... I think he was caught completely off guard. I think he was happy about it; he said thanks and we went to sleep. YES SLEEP!!! Our relationship went sexual over a year ago but this was our first real date and I would be lying if I said I did not want him... boy did I want it, I tried too. He said no. He said and I quote “ I haven’t done a good job with showing you how I care for you or where you stand in my life... we need a few more of these interactions(dates) before we take our relationship sexual again.”  We kissed and touched during our date but in a flirty romantic way but we never removed our clothes, we went to bed. We cuddled for a while but then eventually we fell into a deep sleep. Early in the morning he left because he had to go home to get ready for work and I had to be at work at 6:30 am... we talked a little before he left... we made plans to meet up again that week, he kissed me goodbye and then he left. 

We have spoken briefly since our date but for the most part things have fallen back to the way they were. We did not meet up again that week. He responds to my text but I don't call... I honestly do not call because I don’t want to take the chance of him not answering. As I right this listening to “Toy Soldier” I cry... I am trying to repress it but I can’t... love hurts. I digress. Anyway he told me that I am just a friend a few days after our date. WTF? I don't understand... he explained. I still don't get it. Why keep me here if you don't want to be in a relationship with me? Can’t he see that I am hurting... so I figured it was time to get some advice. I love to read, I prefer self help, history, conspiracy theory type books over romance novels any day. So I went to Barnes and Noble searching for the perfect book to “help” me. I came across some good titles but one stuck out the most it was Steve Harvey’s Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man. This damn book was freaking $30 bucks at BN; so I didn’t buy it... I brought it from Amazon and got two other books with it... rave reviewed The Black Male Handbook and New York Times Bestselling Author Hill Harper’s The Conversation: How Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships. Now before you question me as to why The Black Male Handbook was purchased I will gladly clear that up... I have heard from people that it is a great read despite gender. I began reading The Conversation first. and immediately it spoke to me. Don’t you hate that... when you actually learn something from a self help/development book. In the first chapter “Man in the Mirror” Harper explores the moment he decided to reevaluate his love life, the events that led up to it, ad how he felt immediately afterwards. He says “It’s like one of those optical illusions...You can’t un-see what you've seen and return it to the way it used to be. You can only move forward and search for whatever else exists in the picture.” What a powerful set of words, they immediately made my mind wonder to the boy. To how no matter how bad I may want to un-see what he is, I can’t. It’s like the arrow in Fedex, once you see it, you’ll see it every time you look at it. Once I realized I was the problem in this situation I couldn’t go back and say otherwise; I have to look around and see what else exists in the picture. There maybe a solution amongst the problem... I just have to search for it. Too often we establish the problem and never “fix it”, in my case I ignore the problem... so there is never anything to fix. Let’s say this man and I get on the same page, I cannot un-see the hurt his actions have effected my heart, but I can see what else exist in the picture. He may change(he must want to change first, I CANNOT CHANGE HIM!!!) he may find the solution in the picture or he may find the door. For right now I just need to figure it all out. I know I deserve better so I see me walking out of the portrait more than I see him committing. 

Finally a response to "Prenuptial Agreement"

It’s taken months for me to write again, and I must apologize to myself for not finding time to do something that makes me smile.

So once again I haven’t followed through with my blogging plan... but oh well... its not like you are reading them anyway. lol

I am so happy I browsed your page and read your “Prenuptial Agreement” posting again, it helped me see you a bit differently, just a tad.

I have always been against prenuptial agreements but I understand that certain situations (marry a celebrity) may call for one. I believe in marriage yet I am not sure that I’ll ever be married. 

Any who... marriage is supposed to be a holy union approved by God. 

 The Latin root uni- means one, so we can automatically assume that union should be defined somewhere along the lines of togetherness kind of like when people say we are “on one accord.” Holy, will be defined as sacred just to sum it up and now approval can be defined as an agreement, sanction, but I’ll use consent for the sake of this response. Now stay with me because I am definitely going somewhere. If you find a woman that you absolutely cannot live without, you ponder on it and ask her father for her hand( I like tradition lol) and then ask her to be your wife and she says yes, then why would you ever leave? Why would you cut ties with someone you cannot live without? How could something so perfect fall apart? If marriage is when a man and a woman come together and enter a sacred agreement with the consent of God, then how could it fail? Marriage doesn’t fail; couples just aren’t willing to win. The problem with Americans now is that they allow the words divorce to enter their minds and their conversations with their spouse... you are what you think, so if you think divorce then you will more than likely divorce not because your marriage was a failure but because you failed your marriage. To me signing a prenup is like saying we might divorce... remember what I just said about divorce? lol 

If I met and married Drake and he asked me to sign a prenup I would have no issue with that because when I met him he had so much and if I truly love him then a prenup would  not matter because I plan to stay married forever. However if I have known you since the sixth grade, we rode a bus together, we met up later on in life and we are both trying to make it in the professional world then I would have a major issue should my fiancé approach me with one. Read my first paragraph that applies here.

On the other hand we share some common stances I believe in one joint and two separate accounts to an extent but I agree. Actually that is about it. lol I believe that it’s the man’s responsibility to take care of the basic needs of his family I.E. food, clothing, shelter, car, health insurance etc That is his job, point blank period and any man unwilling to do his job is not a man, but a child in a man’s body. On the flip side of that, the woman is supposed to take care of the home I.E. cook, clean, nurture, organize etc. We don’t live in the 50’s so I expect for both the man and woman to help each other with their responsibilities after all marriage is a union. The lines of what is expected from whom should (and I am using should loosely) naturally be drawn from an early age but for you loser men and women out there I just thought I would teach you something... go take care of your responsibilities. Okay. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah! I would love for my marriage to work something like that... lol Husband works and takes care of family’s needs. Wife(me) works and takes care of family’s wants. I don’t believe in all of that we split the mortgage, electricity, water, cable, car insurance  50/50 crap!!! That is a man’s job. He takes care of home. I take care of wants like vacations and extra clothes... for the most part my check should be banked every month... that is how you save money for your future...TOGETHER lol 

Well I have kinda went on a tangent but at the same time I think I have sparked something that I would love to have discussed. Do you believe in gender roles? I do.

Fight

On lunch listening to Pandora in my car, absorbing the lyrics. Right now "Half Crazy" is flowing through my speakers... how appropriate. Today I smile even though I don't want to... I don't think I've ever faked so much in my life, even alone I suppress the urge to cry,perhaps I fear someone may walk by and then that "Jennifer is crying in her car" gossip will float around the office and before I know HR will call me down to make sure my issue isnt work related. Okay a bit far off but maybe I subconsciously believe that crying is equal to letting go? Technically it is... its how you let go of situations hurting you, but I'm not good at letting it all out. It's likely that I just feel like crying makes me look like a punk, and since there isn't a punk atom in the make-up of my body I refuse the luxury of tears falling as often as I can. Idk. A combination of all three perhaps? If I didn't love you I wouldn't have to fight myself... why can't my heart and mind be in agreeance? Your's clearly is. I wish I didn't love you.

How to love

I don't know what I'd do without music, I love to sing and play instruments... hidden talent ya didn't know lol. Well I can hold a tune but I'm no India Arie.  So, I'm driving listening to "How to Love" by Lil Wayne and naturally I'm touched... actually this is my second time hearing the song, the first time I dismissed it... but I knew it would happen again cause I never let em hit and quit me...anyway it crept on me I felt like dang, I've been holding my heart hostage and the one I thought was different tore it to shreds. I know how to love, well its not something you're taught its something you feel it flows from your soul , all u wanna do is make the other person happy. So you bend over backwards to show em you care when you're ready, you call, text, email well at least I do. When I love I love hard, and when its over its the toughest thing to walk away from. Oh well Hustle is on... so make sure you hustle hard!!

Check me out...

So, I think I am going to link my USTREAM to my BLOGGER if that is possible. Whenever I get around to it then I will, but in the mean time go ahead and check out my ustream my screenname is Jennbunny1721

Can't believe it... really?

My day started off all wrong, I've been extra super tired lately and have no clue as to why...

Anyway, I am becoming more and more annoyed with someone and that someone is me. I need to get it together and let this go cause I am undoubtedly slowing down my own progress whether in a healthy relationship or as a sophisticated single. I gotta get out of Texas, any ideas?

June 21st

As I lay across my bed typing this my body tenses up, I feel flushed  and empty while I suppress the tears that fighting for their right to free themselves from my ducts and trickle down my face. I'm hurt, but I don't want to cry; afraid of showing weakness even when no one's around to see it. People read though. I just don't know how let it go, let him go. I suppose I'm trying perhaps not as fervently as necessary cause whatever I feel for him is deep... it runs throughout my being and I wish it would go away. I want it to end because no matter how many times he says I am beautiful or he cares, he doesn't show it. Lifehouse sings about a mutual love in the background... a love that I have yet to find. A tear breaks free from my left eye, I can't even control my tears... I seem to always fall alone when I fall. So why do I hang onto a fantasy? I know better. My emotions cripple reason and I fall deeper everyday.

I love that we are offered options on life... choices. Today's choices impact tomorrow, our future.

Father's Day

So, I dont know why I've chosen to title this entry Father's Day... because it has nothing to do with my Dad SO WHATEVER. Any who... I have come to the realization that I have lost my own game. I was in a crap ass relationship a while back that singed my heart severely The one guy I loved turned my life upside down and from that day forward I altered my idea of how to "handle" men in my life. After I decided to leave that loser alone, I adapted this attitude of all men cheat all men are liars, dogs etc... you know typical women scorned stuff... but something happened, I changed. I became this cold young lady that didn't attach or if I felt as if an attachment to a man was approaching then I would quickly cut it off, move on and put them in their place. In an essence I began to treat young men the way they treated me, I played a mind game, pretended to care and then dropped them like a bad habit... never really mattered because I was and still am convinced that these guys only wanted me for my body. Some pretended to give a damn but I am sure it was all a front, they had to have been baffled by my actions... how could a sweet and innocent young lady walk away like "whatever dude, you will be replaced?" IDK how I did it but I did. 

I denied myself the luxury ... I'll get to the luxury later... it super late and I have a long day ahead of me. 

So much to say but my mind can't condense it all...

I have a response for that

It maybe months later but I have a response for your rant on premarital issues... so it's coming soon. Thanks

Day 2

I just want to say that I have been writing, I just haven't been posting. Please bear with me.

Day 1

So Beautifully Insecure

Hi I am Jennbunny17  also known as So Beautifully Insecure.

I decided to start this blog because it would be absurd to believe that I am the only young lady in the world who has been through a bad relationship, I am not the only one who has been hurt yet stayed and I know I am not the only one who was encompassed with a desire to “get even," nor am I the only young lady who was able to get even, but perhps I maybe one of the few that is willingly open to share her story with the world. This blog will be updated three times a week 1 day will be completely devoted to telling my story of heartbreak and my path towards getting even, day 2 will be devoted to telling you how I currently feel and what is happening in my life, and finally day 3 will be a mixture of both and if I am lucky enough to receive feedback it is when I will respond to feedback from you.

Now lets divulge into this name So Beautifully Insecure 

The word “so” can either be used as an adverb or a conjunction but for the sake of this blog it is an adverb. So is meant to intensify the verb following it, here is an example

you could say I am glad you came or you could say I am so glad you came. So intensifies or exaggerates the meaning of the verb that follows it.

Beautifully - another adverb describes the verb usually before it. example

She danced beautifully. Beautifully is a form of Beautiful, an adjective, defined as excellent or wonderful

Finally there is “insecure” an adjective that has multiple meanings. As the blog continues many of these meanings will shift from one to another

1. Not sure or certain; doubtful
2. Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe
3. Not firm or fixed; unsteady
4. Lacking Stability; troubled
5. Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety

If you have not noticed yet, all of these words placed together would be one big grammatical error... and I dislike grammatical errors, however; for the sake of this blog and the way SBI will be defined an error will have to do. Three words conjugated in such a way that none of it makes sense, yet it defines a reality that so many people live.

My smile is persuasive, my eyes are seductive I stand a short 5’10, with curves of a goddessI am overweight but I love my body and I tell myself that I am pretty everyday.. You could call me conceited, I prefer the confidence label instead. I walk tall, command attention wherever I go, I am ambitious, outspoken, outgoing, friendly, polite and flirtatious. I posses personality charcteristics that the shy girl longs for, and I am envious of hers. Sometimes I don’t want to be seen, sometimes I want to blend, but I can’t. I’m not sure if you noticed but I said that I tell myself that I am pretty everyday, not beautiful. As much as I want to say that I am, I can’t. I know I am sexy, seductive, exotic, hot... or whatever else you’d like to define it as... but not beautiful. There is just something about the word beautiful that doesn’t fit with me. Beauty defined in America... I don’t fit that description. Perhaps I don’t know what beauty is; “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

How do I know if the object of my gazes are beautiful, excellent or wonderful. Beauty, what is it? How can I attain it.?

It is almost midnight I will continue Wednesday. 

Ciao,

Jennbunny

Sharing is Caring

How many times have I heard the saying "Sharing is Caring?" Possibly far more than I care to admit, no I am not selfish... well not admittedly so, but I do not share. I don't share the thoughts that consume my brain while I should be working, cleaning, cooking, this list could go further than I would like to admit, so lets just say while I should be doing other tasks.  The point I am tying to make is that I want to share my thoughts with you... thus beginning this blog  So Beautifully Insecure.
Ciao