I have a video blog for today but I keep getting an error message... geez!!! It will be up soon
Friday, January 6, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
My Journey Begins Today...
The most amazing thing is happening in my life right now... I've got to share it with the world.
This blog was created because I was heartbroken, I thought sharing my thoughts and experiences would help me heal, they didn't. All I've done since this blog began was pile hurt on top of hurt, heartache on heartache, disappointment on disappointment. I wrote what I felt but I never felt any better, lost and uncertain of the future for SBI I continued to write... writing was usually healing but it never helped. Every time I read my blog ALL I did was revisit issues that caused me to cry. I've been stuck on two guys for the past few years. My ex of four years (the reason why I started SBI) and a guy that I call The Boy. I love both of these guys to this day, but the feelings I have for them aren't nearly as strong as they were in the beginning; in fact that have changed to a slight tolerance of their antics. I don't like them because they don't respect Jennifer. I know I deserve to be treated better than what they gave me, yet I hung around tolerating the drama, the tears, the pain. My mistake. This past December The Boy hurt my feelings again, a usual occurrence but this time I decided that I didn't want to say a thing to him anymore because he was hurting me, he had chosen another girl over me and because I care so much for him (I attribute that to us having a sexual relationship) it hurt more than I want to admit. This act on his part led me to really reevaluate myself. I went silent.
I know I am jumping around guys but this back story is very important.
So IDK in March or so I left my family church and began searching for a new church home; the Lord led me to Great Commission Baptist Church. I am so happy there. I don't know many members, but everyone I have met is so kind, you'd never know that the church is as large as it is. Well my first visit to GCBC I noticed a young man and I thought to myself he is so cute, I wonder where it could go with him. We have had IDK maybe three very SHORT conversations because I have no clue what to say... I want to speak to him but I just walk away every time I think he may speak to me. I smile and wave but that's about it. Bear with me readers because I am definitely getting somewhere...:) So I go to work today and I have Praise & Worship at my desk like I do every other day but ever since I downloaded this App "BIBLEIS" and have been actively using it I feel filled with the Word and my P&W is much deeper than the day before... anyway I tell my cube mate about the man at church, I tell him how I think he'll be really cool to hang out and I have been crushing on him for months oh and how I've spoken to him IDK 4 TIMES LOL. She finds that hard to believe because I am far from shy(except when I like someone) So she encourages me to try and have more conversations with him and see where it could go, I tell her no. Naturally she asks me why. The reason for my no shocked her and I felt ashamed after I said it... but its the reason why I am writing right now.
I told her no because I think I may be a bad influence on him, he seems like a really good person and I am not a good girl... I mean I am a good girl just not as good as him. I said and I quote "I don't think I am good enough for him."
I am ashamed to write it, I can't believe I said it but that is truly how I felt in that moment. I don't know my own worth.
So I went back to work and Worship but with a this feeling heavy on my heart, I had already declared 2012 my year of healing and becoming a better Jennifer... I didn't know it would begin so soon and be so difficult to admit to myself that I have a deep insecurity problem. If you've read any of my post you would know that I titled the blog So Beautifully Insecure because I know I am beautiful but I dont feel beautiful, I know I am insecure yet I dont want to own up to it. I dont want to be insecure anymore. I want to love Jennifer.
One of my greatest strengths is my attention to detail; a strength and curse. I remember everything, I remember statements my parents have said over the years that still hurt to this day. I remember what boys in HS said to me, I remember what friends have said to me, I remember how people treat me, I have a hard time letting things go. I tuck the comments or incidents whatever they may be in the back of my mind... and heart. Those events have molded me into the insecure young woman I am today. I shouldn't have had some of those people in my life but on the other hand I should have been able to deal with the criticism in a progressive way. I didn't know how until today. I am not a model Christian but I am a learning one. I know the Lord for myself, I have felt Him in my life and I know what he can do. I have seen it. He saved my families life, He saved my life, He truly makes a way when you feel there is no way. I know it. I have seen it. I thank Him for it. I am grateful. I am grateful for God's son Jesus loving us enough to die and rise for us. That makes me happy. That means that when I get to heaven God won't see my sin, He will see His Son's Blood. I am blessed. It also means that He love me just the way I am. God loves me more than I love myself. I keep listening to Imagine Me over and over again... I want to be that person. I want to trust God totally I want to be in love with my Savior. I don't want to insecure just in love with Christ. I want to let go of all of the pain. The more I imagine me that way over what "my mama said and healed from what my daddy did" the more I cry. Tears of Joy. God loves me and He'll heal me and bring me closer to Him, if I let go of the insecurities and fill myself with His love. Pastor Brown said it yesterday in Bible study he says (I am paraphrasing) If you're not special to anyone else just know that you're special to God. That is worth shouting about!!! I am in tears. He loves me, despite my faults and flaws. He loves my flaws. He loves Jennifer and He doesn't see my sins because Jesus stood in my place, all the wrong I did in God's eyes is gone. Thank you Jesus! Thank You for loving me, thank You for believing in me when I didn't have faith in myself. I am on a new journey and I am excited. It's not going to be easy but I have faith that God will add and subtract the right people from my life... He's been subtracting lately and I feel better already.
Tonight I will get on my knees and pray. I cant remember that last time I did that...
It's after 1 AM Goodnight
This blog was created because I was heartbroken, I thought sharing my thoughts and experiences would help me heal, they didn't. All I've done since this blog began was pile hurt on top of hurt, heartache on heartache, disappointment on disappointment. I wrote what I felt but I never felt any better, lost and uncertain of the future for SBI I continued to write... writing was usually healing but it never helped. Every time I read my blog ALL I did was revisit issues that caused me to cry. I've been stuck on two guys for the past few years. My ex of four years (the reason why I started SBI) and a guy that I call The Boy. I love both of these guys to this day, but the feelings I have for them aren't nearly as strong as they were in the beginning; in fact that have changed to a slight tolerance of their antics. I don't like them because they don't respect Jennifer. I know I deserve to be treated better than what they gave me, yet I hung around tolerating the drama, the tears, the pain. My mistake. This past December The Boy hurt my feelings again, a usual occurrence but this time I decided that I didn't want to say a thing to him anymore because he was hurting me, he had chosen another girl over me and because I care so much for him (I attribute that to us having a sexual relationship) it hurt more than I want to admit. This act on his part led me to really reevaluate myself. I went silent.
I know I am jumping around guys but this back story is very important.
So IDK in March or so I left my family church and began searching for a new church home; the Lord led me to Great Commission Baptist Church. I am so happy there. I don't know many members, but everyone I have met is so kind, you'd never know that the church is as large as it is. Well my first visit to GCBC I noticed a young man and I thought to myself he is so cute, I wonder where it could go with him. We have had IDK maybe three very SHORT conversations because I have no clue what to say... I want to speak to him but I just walk away every time I think he may speak to me. I smile and wave but that's about it. Bear with me readers because I am definitely getting somewhere...:) So I go to work today and I have Praise & Worship at my desk like I do every other day but ever since I downloaded this App "BIBLEIS" and have been actively using it I feel filled with the Word and my P&W is much deeper than the day before... anyway I tell my cube mate about the man at church, I tell him how I think he'll be really cool to hang out and I have been crushing on him for months oh and how I've spoken to him IDK 4 TIMES LOL. She finds that hard to believe because I am far from shy(except when I like someone) So she encourages me to try and have more conversations with him and see where it could go, I tell her no. Naturally she asks me why. The reason for my no shocked her and I felt ashamed after I said it... but its the reason why I am writing right now.
I told her no because I think I may be a bad influence on him, he seems like a really good person and I am not a good girl... I mean I am a good girl just not as good as him. I said and I quote "I don't think I am good enough for him."
I am ashamed to write it, I can't believe I said it but that is truly how I felt in that moment. I don't know my own worth.
So I went back to work and Worship but with a this feeling heavy on my heart, I had already declared 2012 my year of healing and becoming a better Jennifer... I didn't know it would begin so soon and be so difficult to admit to myself that I have a deep insecurity problem. If you've read any of my post you would know that I titled the blog So Beautifully Insecure because I know I am beautiful but I dont feel beautiful, I know I am insecure yet I dont want to own up to it. I dont want to be insecure anymore. I want to love Jennifer.
One of my greatest strengths is my attention to detail; a strength and curse. I remember everything, I remember statements my parents have said over the years that still hurt to this day. I remember what boys in HS said to me, I remember what friends have said to me, I remember how people treat me, I have a hard time letting things go. I tuck the comments or incidents whatever they may be in the back of my mind... and heart. Those events have molded me into the insecure young woman I am today. I shouldn't have had some of those people in my life but on the other hand I should have been able to deal with the criticism in a progressive way. I didn't know how until today. I am not a model Christian but I am a learning one. I know the Lord for myself, I have felt Him in my life and I know what he can do. I have seen it. He saved my families life, He saved my life, He truly makes a way when you feel there is no way. I know it. I have seen it. I thank Him for it. I am grateful. I am grateful for God's son Jesus loving us enough to die and rise for us. That makes me happy. That means that when I get to heaven God won't see my sin, He will see His Son's Blood. I am blessed. It also means that He love me just the way I am. God loves me more than I love myself. I keep listening to Imagine Me over and over again... I want to be that person. I want to trust God totally I want to be in love with my Savior. I don't want to insecure just in love with Christ. I want to let go of all of the pain. The more I imagine me that way over what "my mama said and healed from what my daddy did" the more I cry. Tears of Joy. God loves me and He'll heal me and bring me closer to Him, if I let go of the insecurities and fill myself with His love. Pastor Brown said it yesterday in Bible study he says (I am paraphrasing) If you're not special to anyone else just know that you're special to God. That is worth shouting about!!! I am in tears. He loves me, despite my faults and flaws. He loves my flaws. He loves Jennifer and He doesn't see my sins because Jesus stood in my place, all the wrong I did in God's eyes is gone. Thank you Jesus! Thank You for loving me, thank You for believing in me when I didn't have faith in myself. I am on a new journey and I am excited. It's not going to be easy but I have faith that God will add and subtract the right people from my life... He's been subtracting lately and I feel better already.
Tonight I will get on my knees and pray. I cant remember that last time I did that...
It's after 1 AM Goodnight
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