I have a video blog for today but I keep getting an error message... geez!!! It will be up soon

My Journey Begins Today...

The most amazing thing is happening in my life right now... I've got to share it with the world.

This blog was created because I was heartbroken, I thought sharing my thoughts and experiences would help me heal, they didn't. All I've done since this blog began was pile hurt on top of hurt, heartache on heartache, disappointment on disappointment. I wrote what I felt but I never felt any better, lost and uncertain of the future for SBI I continued to write... writing was usually healing but it never helped. Every time I read my blog ALL I did was revisit issues that caused me to cry. I've been stuck on two guys for the past few years. My ex of four years (the reason why I started SBI) and a guy that I call The Boy. I love both of these guys to this day, but the feelings I have for them aren't nearly as strong as they were in the beginning; in fact that have changed to a slight tolerance of their antics. I don't like them because they don't respect Jennifer. I know I deserve to be treated better than what they gave me, yet I hung around tolerating the drama, the tears, the pain. My mistake. This past December The Boy hurt my feelings again, a usual occurrence but this time I decided that I didn't want to say a thing to him anymore because he was hurting me, he had chosen another girl over me and because I care so much for him (I attribute that to us having a sexual relationship) it hurt more than I want to admit. This act on his part led me to really reevaluate myself. I went silent.

I know I am jumping around guys but this back story is very important.

So IDK in March or so I left my family church and began searching for a new church home; the Lord led me to Great Commission Baptist Church. I am so happy there. I don't know many members, but everyone I have met is so kind, you'd never know that the church is as large as it is. Well my first visit to GCBC I noticed a young man and I thought to myself he is so cute, I wonder where it could go with him. We have had IDK maybe three very SHORT conversations because I have no clue what to say... I want to speak to him but I just walk away every time I think he may speak to me. I smile and wave but that's about it. Bear with me readers because I am definitely getting somewhere...:) So I go to work today and I have Praise & Worship at my desk like I do every other day but ever since I downloaded this App "BIBLEIS" and have been actively using it I feel filled with the Word and my P&W is much deeper than the day before... anyway I tell my cube mate about the man at church, I tell him how I think he'll be really cool to hang out and I have been crushing on him for months oh and how I've spoken to him IDK 4 TIMES LOL. She finds that hard to believe because I am far from shy(except when I like someone) So she encourages me to try and have more conversations with him and see where it could go, I tell her no. Naturally she asks me why. The reason for my no shocked her and I felt ashamed after I said it... but its the reason why I am writing right now.

I told her no because I think I may be a bad influence on him, he seems like a really good person and I am not a good girl... I mean I am a good girl just not as good as him. I said and I quote "I don't think I am good enough for him."

I am ashamed to write it, I can't believe I said it but that is truly how I felt in that moment. I don't know my own worth.

So I went back to work and Worship but with a this feeling heavy on my heart, I had already declared 2012 my year of healing and becoming a better Jennifer... I didn't know it would begin so soon and be so difficult to admit to myself that I have a deep insecurity problem. If you've read any of my post you would know that I titled the blog So Beautifully Insecure because I know I am beautiful but I dont feel beautiful, I know I am insecure yet I dont want to own up to it. I dont want to be insecure anymore. I want to love Jennifer.

One of my greatest strengths is my attention to detail; a strength and curse. I remember everything, I remember statements my parents have said over the years that still hurt to this day. I remember what boys in HS said to me, I remember what friends have said to me, I remember how people treat me, I have a hard time letting things go. I tuck the comments or incidents whatever they may be in the back of my mind... and heart. Those events have molded me into the insecure young woman I am today. I shouldn't have had some of those people in my life but on the other hand I should have been able to deal with the criticism in a progressive way. I didn't know how until today.  I am not a model Christian but I am a learning one. I know the Lord for myself, I have felt Him in my life and I know what he can do. I have seen it. He saved my families life, He saved my life, He truly makes a way when you feel there is no way. I know it. I have seen it. I thank Him for it. I am grateful. I am grateful for God's son Jesus loving us enough to die and rise for us. That makes me happy. That means that when I get to heaven God won't see my sin, He will see His Son's Blood. I am blessed. It also means that He love me just the way I am. God loves me more than I love myself. I keep listening to Imagine Me over and over again... I want to be that person. I want to trust God totally I want to be in love with my Savior. I don't want to insecure just in love with Christ. I want to let go of all of the pain. The more I imagine me that way over what "my mama said and healed from what my daddy did" the more I cry. Tears of Joy. God loves me and He'll heal me and bring me closer to Him, if I let go of the insecurities and fill myself with His love. Pastor Brown said it yesterday in Bible study he says (I am paraphrasing) If you're not special to anyone else just know that you're special to God. That is worth shouting about!!! I am in tears. He loves me, despite my faults and flaws. He loves my flaws. He loves Jennifer and He doesn't see my sins because Jesus stood in my place, all the wrong I did in God's eyes is gone. Thank you Jesus! Thank You for loving me, thank You for believing in me when I didn't have faith in myself.  I am on a new journey and I am excited. It's not going to be easy but I have faith that God will add and subtract the right people from my life... He's been subtracting lately and I feel better already.

Tonight I will get on my knees and pray. I cant remember that last time I did that...

It's after 1 AM Goodnight

Loneliness is an epidemic.

Way

We waste too much time chasing the same dream down the same Way... take two steps to the left and see if it leads you where you want to be?

True Story

Have you ever pitied the girl who stays faithful to "her man" behind bars? I have... and I still do. I just don't understand how you could love someone so much who didn't think about your relationship before he committed the crime. Why would you commit to someone so selfish? Why give your heart to someone you can never touch, you can't call, text or see? Why go and visit just to have a glass wall between you? OOOWWWEEEE why am I doing it to myself? TB isn't in jail or anything but I have committed my heart to someone I can't see, touch, hear regularly... that makes me look naive. It makes zero sense to love a man who's as free as a bird and won't visit. I mean he doesn't visit cause he doesn't care... True Story. I am growing impatient again. I deserve better... perhaps I should pity myself.

He doesn't care. Point Blank, period.

Toy Soldier

A few weeks ago I felt that I had reached a breaking point with a very special man in my life, I had endured so much of his crap that I couldn’t take it anymore. I know I deserve better, I know he could do better... but I knew that a man will only do what you allow. I had allowed him to disrespect me for too long and I was the problem. Not him. He was not going to change, he was not going to do right by me because he didn’t have to do so and because I allowed it. I knew that I had to walk away because trying, pleading, talking, hoping and praying for him to love me was pointless. So I told myself I was done... I didn’t say it to him because that would make it “official” and a small part of me still believed he cared for me. So I just became distant and snappy whenever he decided he would speak; he knew that I had reached a breaking point so he promised to take me out and “play by my rules.” I skeptically accepted his offer... maybe this was is maybe he really did care. He shouted out during a phone conversation “I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE!!” I still hear him saying it, maybe cause I want to believe it was genuine. Anyway we went on this very simple date that I planned. I am a simple woman and I just wanted to make sure the hours I spent with him gave him an idea of what I enjoyed doing, you know a glimpse into what makes this young lady smile. I think the date went very well. I planned for him to stay the night because I knew the next morning would be his birthday so before we went to bed I gave him a small birthday gift... I think he was caught completely off guard. I think he was happy about it; he said thanks and we went to sleep. YES SLEEP!!! Our relationship went sexual over a year ago but this was our first real date and I would be lying if I said I did not want him... boy did I want it, I tried too. He said no. He said and I quote “ I haven’t done a good job with showing you how I care for you or where you stand in my life... we need a few more of these interactions(dates) before we take our relationship sexual again.”  We kissed and touched during our date but in a flirty romantic way but we never removed our clothes, we went to bed. We cuddled for a while but then eventually we fell into a deep sleep. Early in the morning he left because he had to go home to get ready for work and I had to be at work at 6:30 am... we talked a little before he left... we made plans to meet up again that week, he kissed me goodbye and then he left. 

We have spoken briefly since our date but for the most part things have fallen back to the way they were. We did not meet up again that week. He responds to my text but I don't call... I honestly do not call because I don’t want to take the chance of him not answering. As I right this listening to “Toy Soldier” I cry... I am trying to repress it but I can’t... love hurts. I digress. Anyway he told me that I am just a friend a few days after our date. WTF? I don't understand... he explained. I still don't get it. Why keep me here if you don't want to be in a relationship with me? Can’t he see that I am hurting... so I figured it was time to get some advice. I love to read, I prefer self help, history, conspiracy theory type books over romance novels any day. So I went to Barnes and Noble searching for the perfect book to “help” me. I came across some good titles but one stuck out the most it was Steve Harvey’s Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man. This damn book was freaking $30 bucks at BN; so I didn’t buy it... I brought it from Amazon and got two other books with it... rave reviewed The Black Male Handbook and New York Times Bestselling Author Hill Harper’s The Conversation: How Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships. Now before you question me as to why The Black Male Handbook was purchased I will gladly clear that up... I have heard from people that it is a great read despite gender. I began reading The Conversation first. and immediately it spoke to me. Don’t you hate that... when you actually learn something from a self help/development book. In the first chapter “Man in the Mirror” Harper explores the moment he decided to reevaluate his love life, the events that led up to it, ad how he felt immediately afterwards. He says “It’s like one of those optical illusions...You can’t un-see what you've seen and return it to the way it used to be. You can only move forward and search for whatever else exists in the picture.” What a powerful set of words, they immediately made my mind wonder to the boy. To how no matter how bad I may want to un-see what he is, I can’t. It’s like the arrow in Fedex, once you see it, you’ll see it every time you look at it. Once I realized I was the problem in this situation I couldn’t go back and say otherwise; I have to look around and see what else exists in the picture. There maybe a solution amongst the problem... I just have to search for it. Too often we establish the problem and never “fix it”, in my case I ignore the problem... so there is never anything to fix. Let’s say this man and I get on the same page, I cannot un-see the hurt his actions have effected my heart, but I can see what else exist in the picture. He may change(he must want to change first, I CANNOT CHANGE HIM!!!) he may find the solution in the picture or he may find the door. For right now I just need to figure it all out. I know I deserve better so I see me walking out of the portrait more than I see him committing.