Toy Soldier

A few weeks ago I felt that I had reached a breaking point with a very special man in my life, I had endured so much of his crap that I couldn’t take it anymore. I know I deserve better, I know he could do better... but I knew that a man will only do what you allow. I had allowed him to disrespect me for too long and I was the problem. Not him. He was not going to change, he was not going to do right by me because he didn’t have to do so and because I allowed it. I knew that I had to walk away because trying, pleading, talking, hoping and praying for him to love me was pointless. So I told myself I was done... I didn’t say it to him because that would make it “official” and a small part of me still believed he cared for me. So I just became distant and snappy whenever he decided he would speak; he knew that I had reached a breaking point so he promised to take me out and “play by my rules.” I skeptically accepted his offer... maybe this was is maybe he really did care. He shouted out during a phone conversation “I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE!!” I still hear him saying it, maybe cause I want to believe it was genuine. Anyway we went on this very simple date that I planned. I am a simple woman and I just wanted to make sure the hours I spent with him gave him an idea of what I enjoyed doing, you know a glimpse into what makes this young lady smile. I think the date went very well. I planned for him to stay the night because I knew the next morning would be his birthday so before we went to bed I gave him a small birthday gift... I think he was caught completely off guard. I think he was happy about it; he said thanks and we went to sleep. YES SLEEP!!! Our relationship went sexual over a year ago but this was our first real date and I would be lying if I said I did not want him... boy did I want it, I tried too. He said no. He said and I quote “ I haven’t done a good job with showing you how I care for you or where you stand in my life... we need a few more of these interactions(dates) before we take our relationship sexual again.”  We kissed and touched during our date but in a flirty romantic way but we never removed our clothes, we went to bed. We cuddled for a while but then eventually we fell into a deep sleep. Early in the morning he left because he had to go home to get ready for work and I had to be at work at 6:30 am... we talked a little before he left... we made plans to meet up again that week, he kissed me goodbye and then he left. 

We have spoken briefly since our date but for the most part things have fallen back to the way they were. We did not meet up again that week. He responds to my text but I don't call... I honestly do not call because I don’t want to take the chance of him not answering. As I right this listening to “Toy Soldier” I cry... I am trying to repress it but I can’t... love hurts. I digress. Anyway he told me that I am just a friend a few days after our date. WTF? I don't understand... he explained. I still don't get it. Why keep me here if you don't want to be in a relationship with me? Can’t he see that I am hurting... so I figured it was time to get some advice. I love to read, I prefer self help, history, conspiracy theory type books over romance novels any day. So I went to Barnes and Noble searching for the perfect book to “help” me. I came across some good titles but one stuck out the most it was Steve Harvey’s Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man. This damn book was freaking $30 bucks at BN; so I didn’t buy it... I brought it from Amazon and got two other books with it... rave reviewed The Black Male Handbook and New York Times Bestselling Author Hill Harper’s The Conversation: How Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships. Now before you question me as to why The Black Male Handbook was purchased I will gladly clear that up... I have heard from people that it is a great read despite gender. I began reading The Conversation first. and immediately it spoke to me. Don’t you hate that... when you actually learn something from a self help/development book. In the first chapter “Man in the Mirror” Harper explores the moment he decided to reevaluate his love life, the events that led up to it, ad how he felt immediately afterwards. He says “It’s like one of those optical illusions...You can’t un-see what you've seen and return it to the way it used to be. You can only move forward and search for whatever else exists in the picture.” What a powerful set of words, they immediately made my mind wonder to the boy. To how no matter how bad I may want to un-see what he is, I can’t. It’s like the arrow in Fedex, once you see it, you’ll see it every time you look at it. Once I realized I was the problem in this situation I couldn’t go back and say otherwise; I have to look around and see what else exists in the picture. There maybe a solution amongst the problem... I just have to search for it. Too often we establish the problem and never “fix it”, in my case I ignore the problem... so there is never anything to fix. Let’s say this man and I get on the same page, I cannot un-see the hurt his actions have effected my heart, but I can see what else exist in the picture. He may change(he must want to change first, I CANNOT CHANGE HIM!!!) he may find the solution in the picture or he may find the door. For right now I just need to figure it all out. I know I deserve better so I see me walking out of the portrait more than I see him committing.