Loneliness is an epidemic.

Way

We waste too much time chasing the same dream down the same Way... take two steps to the left and see if it leads you where you want to be?

True Story

Have you ever pitied the girl who stays faithful to "her man" behind bars? I have... and I still do. I just don't understand how you could love someone so much who didn't think about your relationship before he committed the crime. Why would you commit to someone so selfish? Why give your heart to someone you can never touch, you can't call, text or see? Why go and visit just to have a glass wall between you? OOOWWWEEEE why am I doing it to myself? TB isn't in jail or anything but I have committed my heart to someone I can't see, touch, hear regularly... that makes me look naive. It makes zero sense to love a man who's as free as a bird and won't visit. I mean he doesn't visit cause he doesn't care... True Story. I am growing impatient again. I deserve better... perhaps I should pity myself.

He doesn't care. Point Blank, period.

Toy Soldier

A few weeks ago I felt that I had reached a breaking point with a very special man in my life, I had endured so much of his crap that I couldn’t take it anymore. I know I deserve better, I know he could do better... but I knew that a man will only do what you allow. I had allowed him to disrespect me for too long and I was the problem. Not him. He was not going to change, he was not going to do right by me because he didn’t have to do so and because I allowed it. I knew that I had to walk away because trying, pleading, talking, hoping and praying for him to love me was pointless. So I told myself I was done... I didn’t say it to him because that would make it “official” and a small part of me still believed he cared for me. So I just became distant and snappy whenever he decided he would speak; he knew that I had reached a breaking point so he promised to take me out and “play by my rules.” I skeptically accepted his offer... maybe this was is maybe he really did care. He shouted out during a phone conversation “I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE!!” I still hear him saying it, maybe cause I want to believe it was genuine. Anyway we went on this very simple date that I planned. I am a simple woman and I just wanted to make sure the hours I spent with him gave him an idea of what I enjoyed doing, you know a glimpse into what makes this young lady smile. I think the date went very well. I planned for him to stay the night because I knew the next morning would be his birthday so before we went to bed I gave him a small birthday gift... I think he was caught completely off guard. I think he was happy about it; he said thanks and we went to sleep. YES SLEEP!!! Our relationship went sexual over a year ago but this was our first real date and I would be lying if I said I did not want him... boy did I want it, I tried too. He said no. He said and I quote “ I haven’t done a good job with showing you how I care for you or where you stand in my life... we need a few more of these interactions(dates) before we take our relationship sexual again.”  We kissed and touched during our date but in a flirty romantic way but we never removed our clothes, we went to bed. We cuddled for a while but then eventually we fell into a deep sleep. Early in the morning he left because he had to go home to get ready for work and I had to be at work at 6:30 am... we talked a little before he left... we made plans to meet up again that week, he kissed me goodbye and then he left. 

We have spoken briefly since our date but for the most part things have fallen back to the way they were. We did not meet up again that week. He responds to my text but I don't call... I honestly do not call because I don’t want to take the chance of him not answering. As I right this listening to “Toy Soldier” I cry... I am trying to repress it but I can’t... love hurts. I digress. Anyway he told me that I am just a friend a few days after our date. WTF? I don't understand... he explained. I still don't get it. Why keep me here if you don't want to be in a relationship with me? Can’t he see that I am hurting... so I figured it was time to get some advice. I love to read, I prefer self help, history, conspiracy theory type books over romance novels any day. So I went to Barnes and Noble searching for the perfect book to “help” me. I came across some good titles but one stuck out the most it was Steve Harvey’s Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man. This damn book was freaking $30 bucks at BN; so I didn’t buy it... I brought it from Amazon and got two other books with it... rave reviewed The Black Male Handbook and New York Times Bestselling Author Hill Harper’s The Conversation: How Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships. Now before you question me as to why The Black Male Handbook was purchased I will gladly clear that up... I have heard from people that it is a great read despite gender. I began reading The Conversation first. and immediately it spoke to me. Don’t you hate that... when you actually learn something from a self help/development book. In the first chapter “Man in the Mirror” Harper explores the moment he decided to reevaluate his love life, the events that led up to it, ad how he felt immediately afterwards. He says “It’s like one of those optical illusions...You can’t un-see what you've seen and return it to the way it used to be. You can only move forward and search for whatever else exists in the picture.” What a powerful set of words, they immediately made my mind wonder to the boy. To how no matter how bad I may want to un-see what he is, I can’t. It’s like the arrow in Fedex, once you see it, you’ll see it every time you look at it. Once I realized I was the problem in this situation I couldn’t go back and say otherwise; I have to look around and see what else exists in the picture. There maybe a solution amongst the problem... I just have to search for it. Too often we establish the problem and never “fix it”, in my case I ignore the problem... so there is never anything to fix. Let’s say this man and I get on the same page, I cannot un-see the hurt his actions have effected my heart, but I can see what else exist in the picture. He may change(he must want to change first, I CANNOT CHANGE HIM!!!) he may find the solution in the picture or he may find the door. For right now I just need to figure it all out. I know I deserve better so I see me walking out of the portrait more than I see him committing. 

Finally a response to "Prenuptial Agreement"

It’s taken months for me to write again, and I must apologize to myself for not finding time to do something that makes me smile.

So once again I haven’t followed through with my blogging plan... but oh well... its not like you are reading them anyway. lol

I am so happy I browsed your page and read your “Prenuptial Agreement” posting again, it helped me see you a bit differently, just a tad.

I have always been against prenuptial agreements but I understand that certain situations (marry a celebrity) may call for one. I believe in marriage yet I am not sure that I’ll ever be married. 

Any who... marriage is supposed to be a holy union approved by God. 

 The Latin root uni- means one, so we can automatically assume that union should be defined somewhere along the lines of togetherness kind of like when people say we are “on one accord.” Holy, will be defined as sacred just to sum it up and now approval can be defined as an agreement, sanction, but I’ll use consent for the sake of this response. Now stay with me because I am definitely going somewhere. If you find a woman that you absolutely cannot live without, you ponder on it and ask her father for her hand( I like tradition lol) and then ask her to be your wife and she says yes, then why would you ever leave? Why would you cut ties with someone you cannot live without? How could something so perfect fall apart? If marriage is when a man and a woman come together and enter a sacred agreement with the consent of God, then how could it fail? Marriage doesn’t fail; couples just aren’t willing to win. The problem with Americans now is that they allow the words divorce to enter their minds and their conversations with their spouse... you are what you think, so if you think divorce then you will more than likely divorce not because your marriage was a failure but because you failed your marriage. To me signing a prenup is like saying we might divorce... remember what I just said about divorce? lol 

If I met and married Drake and he asked me to sign a prenup I would have no issue with that because when I met him he had so much and if I truly love him then a prenup would  not matter because I plan to stay married forever. However if I have known you since the sixth grade, we rode a bus together, we met up later on in life and we are both trying to make it in the professional world then I would have a major issue should my fiancé approach me with one. Read my first paragraph that applies here.

On the other hand we share some common stances I believe in one joint and two separate accounts to an extent but I agree. Actually that is about it. lol I believe that it’s the man’s responsibility to take care of the basic needs of his family I.E. food, clothing, shelter, car, health insurance etc That is his job, point blank period and any man unwilling to do his job is not a man, but a child in a man’s body. On the flip side of that, the woman is supposed to take care of the home I.E. cook, clean, nurture, organize etc. We don’t live in the 50’s so I expect for both the man and woman to help each other with their responsibilities after all marriage is a union. The lines of what is expected from whom should (and I am using should loosely) naturally be drawn from an early age but for you loser men and women out there I just thought I would teach you something... go take care of your responsibilities. Okay. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah! I would love for my marriage to work something like that... lol Husband works and takes care of family’s needs. Wife(me) works and takes care of family’s wants. I don’t believe in all of that we split the mortgage, electricity, water, cable, car insurance  50/50 crap!!! That is a man’s job. He takes care of home. I take care of wants like vacations and extra clothes... for the most part my check should be banked every month... that is how you save money for your future...TOGETHER lol 

Well I have kinda went on a tangent but at the same time I think I have sparked something that I would love to have discussed. Do you believe in gender roles? I do.

Fight

On lunch listening to Pandora in my car, absorbing the lyrics. Right now "Half Crazy" is flowing through my speakers... how appropriate. Today I smile even though I don't want to... I don't think I've ever faked so much in my life, even alone I suppress the urge to cry,perhaps I fear someone may walk by and then that "Jennifer is crying in her car" gossip will float around the office and before I know HR will call me down to make sure my issue isnt work related. Okay a bit far off but maybe I subconsciously believe that crying is equal to letting go? Technically it is... its how you let go of situations hurting you, but I'm not good at letting it all out. It's likely that I just feel like crying makes me look like a punk, and since there isn't a punk atom in the make-up of my body I refuse the luxury of tears falling as often as I can. Idk. A combination of all three perhaps? If I didn't love you I wouldn't have to fight myself... why can't my heart and mind be in agreeance? Your's clearly is. I wish I didn't love you.

How to love

I don't know what I'd do without music, I love to sing and play instruments... hidden talent ya didn't know lol. Well I can hold a tune but I'm no India Arie.  So, I'm driving listening to "How to Love" by Lil Wayne and naturally I'm touched... actually this is my second time hearing the song, the first time I dismissed it... but I knew it would happen again cause I never let em hit and quit me...anyway it crept on me I felt like dang, I've been holding my heart hostage and the one I thought was different tore it to shreds. I know how to love, well its not something you're taught its something you feel it flows from your soul , all u wanna do is make the other person happy. So you bend over backwards to show em you care when you're ready, you call, text, email well at least I do. When I love I love hard, and when its over its the toughest thing to walk away from. Oh well Hustle is on... so make sure you hustle hard!!

Check me out...

So, I think I am going to link my USTREAM to my BLOGGER if that is possible. Whenever I get around to it then I will, but in the mean time go ahead and check out my ustream my screenname is Jennbunny1721

Can't believe it... really?

My day started off all wrong, I've been extra super tired lately and have no clue as to why...

Anyway, I am becoming more and more annoyed with someone and that someone is me. I need to get it together and let this go cause I am undoubtedly slowing down my own progress whether in a healthy relationship or as a sophisticated single. I gotta get out of Texas, any ideas?

June 21st

As I lay across my bed typing this my body tenses up, I feel flushed  and empty while I suppress the tears that fighting for their right to free themselves from my ducts and trickle down my face. I'm hurt, but I don't want to cry; afraid of showing weakness even when no one's around to see it. People read though. I just don't know how let it go, let him go. I suppose I'm trying perhaps not as fervently as necessary cause whatever I feel for him is deep... it runs throughout my being and I wish it would go away. I want it to end because no matter how many times he says I am beautiful or he cares, he doesn't show it. Lifehouse sings about a mutual love in the background... a love that I have yet to find. A tear breaks free from my left eye, I can't even control my tears... I seem to always fall alone when I fall. So why do I hang onto a fantasy? I know better. My emotions cripple reason and I fall deeper everyday.

I love that we are offered options on life... choices. Today's choices impact tomorrow, our future.

Father's Day

So, I dont know why I've chosen to title this entry Father's Day... because it has nothing to do with my Dad SO WHATEVER. Any who... I have come to the realization that I have lost my own game. I was in a crap ass relationship a while back that singed my heart severely The one guy I loved turned my life upside down and from that day forward I altered my idea of how to "handle" men in my life. After I decided to leave that loser alone, I adapted this attitude of all men cheat all men are liars, dogs etc... you know typical women scorned stuff... but something happened, I changed. I became this cold young lady that didn't attach or if I felt as if an attachment to a man was approaching then I would quickly cut it off, move on and put them in their place. In an essence I began to treat young men the way they treated me, I played a mind game, pretended to care and then dropped them like a bad habit... never really mattered because I was and still am convinced that these guys only wanted me for my body. Some pretended to give a damn but I am sure it was all a front, they had to have been baffled by my actions... how could a sweet and innocent young lady walk away like "whatever dude, you will be replaced?" IDK how I did it but I did. 

I denied myself the luxury ... I'll get to the luxury later... it super late and I have a long day ahead of me. 

So much to say but my mind can't condense it all...

I have a response for that

It maybe months later but I have a response for your rant on premarital issues... so it's coming soon. Thanks

Day 2

I just want to say that I have been writing, I just haven't been posting. Please bear with me.